Meta Love

  What is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. N o  m o r e.

  My spider-monkey told me I should write 'bout love for this Tuesday's entry. Love is... well, it's strange, isn't it? Something we can't see but we know exists. Weird and complex in a totally unexplainable way, and completely different for every single person that experiences it. For instance, it can make you do crazy things... like giving your significant other the nickname 'spider-monkey'.

  Does love transfer? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? If so, how could it possibly result in a fulfilling and sustainable relationship? Is it okay to tell your friends you love them? How long does it take to fall in love? If you got lost three questions ago, congratulations. You are now an honorary member of the human race. What I'm trying to say in a roundabout, round-the-park, round-the-town sort of way is that love is confusing. Or it can be... if you're problematic... like me.

  Most will say that love is the most powerful and driving thing you'll ever feel. I would dispute that, and then offer up an alternative; fear. Which ironically is something that love is able to incite in us all. The two emotions wander hand in hand. One cannot exist without the other. You're falling in love, and it's brilliant. It's fantastic and everything you've ever dreamed it would be, but you're scared. There will always be an underlying awareness of the unease you feel.

  Throughout my last relationship I was completely ruled by fear. When I finally made the move to end it, to rid myself of the toxicity, I was scared. Not of what I would lose or what I might regret, but what I stood to gain. Would I be good enough for whatever came next?

  Are you seeing a theme in this blog, yet?

  The love I have now, from my partner, from my parents, best friends and the people I work with, it was worth every tiny speck of fear I endured. I no longer sit in silence wondering what I'm about to say wrong next, I'm not afraid to be confronted by my thoughts and what I'm feeling anymore, (not all the time, anyway).

  But there, sitting quietly in the back of my brain, they're still present. Love and fear waiting to grapple for the wheel in an attempt to either steer me clear of a steep drop or watch me plummet.

  Shock horror! I'm ready for that. Because I do have people with me that love me so dearly, to such an extent that sometimes it's hard to comprehend. It's hard to accept. Do I deserve love? Yes, I believe everybody does. But being aware of how deserving you are doesn't make it any easier to acknowledge. Hence fear. See? We circled back sooner than you thought.

  Yes, love will make you do stupid things, as the tale goes, but it can also make you do things full of magic and light. Like filling your partner's bedroom with balloons before they get home from work, or spontaneously driving over to their house at midnight because you miss them.

Sure love is terrifying, but god, it's worth it.

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
04/06/2017