The rain is siling down today and I feel positive. As a self-admitted pluviophile, waking to the calm, almost ocean-like sound of rainfall is uplifting. It's been hot in the UK these past few weeks and it's fair to say we've all suffered. The weather has been all over Facebook and Twitter, that's how you know the Brits are struggling. The rain is a much-needed change for me. It makes the outside less... quiet.
My last entry didn't go down well in terms of viewership, which I'll be honest stunted me a little. I worked hard on that post and barely anyone read it according to the stats. That's the sole reason I try not to pay too much attention to numbers. I don't want to quake just because I don't reach that many people. Working hard on my writing should be reason enough to be pleased with it. I'm going to try and put out a similar post as Tym on Friday.
Speaking of whom, I managed to find his Skype on my old account and add him back on my current one. After a day he accepted my request. He's still quiet but he's okay and we've reconnected. I'm taking that as a win.
Have a great week, everybody.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
30/05/2018
Wednesday 30 May 2018
Saturday 26 May 2018
Tym
Tym and I met rather serendipitously over YouTube about five years ago. I don't remember the exact date. In fact, I don't remember much, I only recall being maybe a little too smitten with him. Everything about him turned my hard scowl into a wide, somewhat playful grin in response to his own. His voice was deep and croaky, and it constantly sounded like he'd been awake for only minutes after a thirteen-hour nap snoozing away jet lag. His tone was constantly disinterested and monotonous but he was friendly with everybody he met.
His ever-changing mood was difficult to keep up with, though. One second he would send message after message in his upbeat typing style that was sometimes difficult to decipher and understand, and others he would message you first but still only respond with a word or two. He wanted to speak with people, to keep that connection, but had the energy for it only half the time. Speaking with him verbally was the same; one minute he couldn't be stopped and the next he'd rather listen instead. I liked all sides of him. When he couldn't be contained and when he was so fatigued that we regularly wondered if he'd fallen asleep while gaming with us. (He had).
He didn't speak prevalently of his anxiety but it was there, and on that front, I could relate. I would ask him what the cause was and he would tell me that he didn't know, he just felt uncomfortable. Apparently, he got it 'from his mum's side'. To ease that feeling of discomfort, he played games like Resident Evil and Silent Hill. Seemed a little bit backwards to me, playing games that could eke fear out of anybody to soothe himself, but it worked. He uploaded videos of himself playing that garnered maybe four or five hundred views if he was lucky. But his channel was there for him, not for anybody else.
One of his playlists that I took a particular interest in was called 'wall staring', and the content within was exactly that. He would sit in his dimly lit bedroom, his hair short enough that his exhausted, lined eyes would be on display, and he would stare at the wall. There were six of these videos and they lasted anywhere between three to forty minutes. These videos drew in fewer viewers, as you'd expect. I wanted to know why he made them, let alone uploaded them, but I didn't have it in me to ask. The only explanation I could offer would be that it was his method of winding down. For as long as he decided, all he had to focus on was that spot on the wall.
He still is all I'm describing, by the way. I realise I've been talking about him in the past tense and probably alluded to something quite dark, but no. He's just much harder to track down these days. He hasn't been active on his Facebook account for at least eight months, and for a while, I thought he'd vanished. Not in the abracadabra! sense, but more that he'd made the conscious decision to disappear. In actuality, he probably got a life and took a step back from social media. Wonder what that's like...
The last communication I, or any of our mutuals, had with Tym was when he sent me a sticker of a cactus on the 17th of October last year. It was my birthday so the cactus was of course adorned in a party hat, holding a balloon. That tiny communication allows me to take comfort in the fact that he's still just as thoughtful as he always has been, and more importantly that he's okay. But I believe he's taking time to focus on himself. He's still consistently uploading to his YouTube channel, too. It's nice to see him putting his energy into something he's really passionate about.
Tym gives me hope in a way that I can't really describe. I know that's supposed to be my shtick. I'm supposed to have all the words, but I don't. All I know is that he's okay, and that's all that matters.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
26/05/2018
His ever-changing mood was difficult to keep up with, though. One second he would send message after message in his upbeat typing style that was sometimes difficult to decipher and understand, and others he would message you first but still only respond with a word or two. He wanted to speak with people, to keep that connection, but had the energy for it only half the time. Speaking with him verbally was the same; one minute he couldn't be stopped and the next he'd rather listen instead. I liked all sides of him. When he couldn't be contained and when he was so fatigued that we regularly wondered if he'd fallen asleep while gaming with us. (He had).
He didn't speak prevalently of his anxiety but it was there, and on that front, I could relate. I would ask him what the cause was and he would tell me that he didn't know, he just felt uncomfortable. Apparently, he got it 'from his mum's side'. To ease that feeling of discomfort, he played games like Resident Evil and Silent Hill. Seemed a little bit backwards to me, playing games that could eke fear out of anybody to soothe himself, but it worked. He uploaded videos of himself playing that garnered maybe four or five hundred views if he was lucky. But his channel was there for him, not for anybody else.
One of his playlists that I took a particular interest in was called 'wall staring', and the content within was exactly that. He would sit in his dimly lit bedroom, his hair short enough that his exhausted, lined eyes would be on display, and he would stare at the wall. There were six of these videos and they lasted anywhere between three to forty minutes. These videos drew in fewer viewers, as you'd expect. I wanted to know why he made them, let alone uploaded them, but I didn't have it in me to ask. The only explanation I could offer would be that it was his method of winding down. For as long as he decided, all he had to focus on was that spot on the wall.
He still is all I'm describing, by the way. I realise I've been talking about him in the past tense and probably alluded to something quite dark, but no. He's just much harder to track down these days. He hasn't been active on his Facebook account for at least eight months, and for a while, I thought he'd vanished. Not in the abracadabra! sense, but more that he'd made the conscious decision to disappear. In actuality, he probably got a life and took a step back from social media. Wonder what that's like...
The last communication I, or any of our mutuals, had with Tym was when he sent me a sticker of a cactus on the 17th of October last year. It was my birthday so the cactus was of course adorned in a party hat, holding a balloon. That tiny communication allows me to take comfort in the fact that he's still just as thoughtful as he always has been, and more importantly that he's okay. But I believe he's taking time to focus on himself. He's still consistently uploading to his YouTube channel, too. It's nice to see him putting his energy into something he's really passionate about.
Tym gives me hope in a way that I can't really describe. I know that's supposed to be my shtick. I'm supposed to have all the words, but I don't. All I know is that he's okay, and that's all that matters.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
26/05/2018
Tuesday 22 May 2018
Immunity Can Falter
Sooo, I had a bit of an episode last night. It isn't something that happens often, and I value how capable I usually am at dealing with certain things. I pride myself on being robust and uncaring, 'completely immune to criticism', as Mayank described me on Twitter. But sometimes it's easy for something to slip through on a Lo-Fi day where your head is pounding and everything is crushing you like the pressure within the great Atlantic. I am the Titanic, just far less cool with a much less tragic backstory, and the water is life.
I don't enjoy describing things like this on here. I have other places to vent in which to do that for the purpose of this blog not being clogged up with martyrish, attention seeking content. I do not seek attention, I only seek to be heard and understood. It's hard to find that these days. I am writing on here currently so that I can go into a little more detail. It isn't for you, though, it's for me. I'm the one that needs an outlet and it's not on me who decides to read it.
My life feels directionless and the more I try to ignore it, the fiercer the candle burns. I'm trying just about everything to get myself back on track, but so far, no luck. I'm spending so much of my time waiting, and this is the most frustrated I've felt in a while. But I've taken up old hobbies and started going on long walks again. Something I love to do is photograph people without them realising, (not like that, you perverts). When a person is unaware, they're acting completely natural. You can capture so much detail in a candid photograph that would otherwise be lost.
Anyway... yeah, that's me for now. That's what's going on in my life. I'm sorry this isn't the usual jaunt-filled, witty content that you're used to - though that's probably pushing it. I needed this to be here. I hope you're having the best of days and that you're achieving everything you want, and hopefully, you can inspire me.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
22/05/2018
I don't enjoy describing things like this on here. I have other places to vent in which to do that for the purpose of this blog not being clogged up with martyrish, attention seeking content. I do not seek attention, I only seek to be heard and understood. It's hard to find that these days. I am writing on here currently so that I can go into a little more detail. It isn't for you, though, it's for me. I'm the one that needs an outlet and it's not on me who decides to read it.
My life feels directionless and the more I try to ignore it, the fiercer the candle burns. I'm trying just about everything to get myself back on track, but so far, no luck. I'm spending so much of my time waiting, and this is the most frustrated I've felt in a while. But I've taken up old hobbies and started going on long walks again. Something I love to do is photograph people without them realising, (not like that, you perverts). When a person is unaware, they're acting completely natural. You can capture so much detail in a candid photograph that would otherwise be lost.
Anyway... yeah, that's me for now. That's what's going on in my life. I'm sorry this isn't the usual jaunt-filled, witty content that you're used to - though that's probably pushing it. I needed this to be here. I hope you're having the best of days and that you're achieving everything you want, and hopefully, you can inspire me.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
22/05/2018
Saturday 19 May 2018
I forgot to put a title here
I'm writing a post ahead of time for once. I used to do this, in the beginning, to make sure I definitely had something to post so my schedule didn't get all jazzed up. Clearly, I'm not very good at it anymore. Too much on, not enough to talk about. Buuuut... the Dark Souls remaster comes out in a week or two, and I'm pretty excited. I haven't played anything but Bloodborne since January, which I'm realising has become an issue.
There's a bunch of games I still need to get; the Shadow of the Colossus remaster, for instance, A Way Out, The Last Guardian... and a couple others that have slipped my mind. A lot slips my mind these days. Like writing. I have an ending for my screenplay, have I opened the file yet? Have I hell.
I have a convention in a couple weeks, and it's been almost a year since I've been to one. They come around so slowly and then they're gone in the blink of an eye. It's disconcerting, to say the least. If only moments like that could last forever. But yes, it's a two-day convention that I've been going to for about five years now. Seems a little crazy when I put it like that. I'm 22 this year... now that's insane.
Good god, I feel old now. I'm going to go before I forget where I am and how to feed myself.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
19/05/2018
There's a bunch of games I still need to get; the Shadow of the Colossus remaster, for instance, A Way Out, The Last Guardian... and a couple others that have slipped my mind. A lot slips my mind these days. Like writing. I have an ending for my screenplay, have I opened the file yet? Have I hell.
I have a convention in a couple weeks, and it's been almost a year since I've been to one. They come around so slowly and then they're gone in the blink of an eye. It's disconcerting, to say the least. If only moments like that could last forever. But yes, it's a two-day convention that I've been going to for about five years now. Seems a little crazy when I put it like that. I'm 22 this year... now that's insane.
Good god, I feel old now. I'm going to go before I forget where I am and how to feed myself.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
19/05/2018
Wednesday 16 May 2018
It's Okay
Today I was going to post something like an insignificant update that I wrote about three or four days ago, just to put something out. But I decided it seemed disingenuous to me so I'd rather not do that. Instead, I just want to take a few moments to assure you of a few things.
I'm well aware this is something people tell you all the time, but I think it's important.
So calm down, take a few seconds to relax. It's okay. Everything is going to be okay. Nothing else matters right now except you. It's okay to feel like you're not good enough. It's okay to cry. It's okay to not be okay. I don't think any of us, collectively as a species, are inherently or intrinsically okay. Not really. Not for an amount of time that might mean something. But what we can take comfort and solace in is the times that maybe we can say, "actually, I am okay." Focus on that, those moments in the future where you can just let go. Because you're okay.
It's okay to sleep, rest and to make time to work on yourself. Everything is under control. It's okay to look after yourself. In fact, self-care is something we so often forget but, it's okay. Go drink some water, go make your favourite food, order takeout, find a blanket and cuddle up on the sofa to watch your favourite show. Make time for you, because you are the most important person on this planet. You don't make enough time for yourself, so go do that.
Have a pleasant day or night, and know that If you’re not okay right now, you will be.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
16/05/2018
I'm well aware this is something people tell you all the time, but I think it's important.
So calm down, take a few seconds to relax. It's okay. Everything is going to be okay. Nothing else matters right now except you. It's okay to feel like you're not good enough. It's okay to cry. It's okay to not be okay. I don't think any of us, collectively as a species, are inherently or intrinsically okay. Not really. Not for an amount of time that might mean something. But what we can take comfort and solace in is the times that maybe we can say, "actually, I am okay." Focus on that, those moments in the future where you can just let go. Because you're okay.
It's okay to sleep, rest and to make time to work on yourself. Everything is under control. It's okay to look after yourself. In fact, self-care is something we so often forget but, it's okay. Go drink some water, go make your favourite food, order takeout, find a blanket and cuddle up on the sofa to watch your favourite show. Make time for you, because you are the most important person on this planet. You don't make enough time for yourself, so go do that.
Have a pleasant day or night, and know that If you’re not okay right now, you will be.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
16/05/2018
Friday 11 May 2018
I Love You
Don't be fooled by the title of this post. If you think I'm going to be pandering to you and kissing your hands out of gratitude, then you're incorrect and silly for even thinking so. I've never really known how to be nice to people. Not in a way that suggests I don't understand social cues, I do. I have a vast knowledge of how I'm supposed to act. I just... don't, because why should I? Don't get me wrong, if you're kind to me, I will be courteous in reciprocation. That isn't what I mean.There are people in my life that I dislike for just... being. I won't say hate, even though you know I'm probably thinking it, because hate is an extremely powerful word. That tiny little verb can stick in a person's mind for years and force them to question every aspect of themselves, and as much as I'd probably find enjoyment in that, it is somewhat frowned upon. But there's this thing I do that I call 'kicking the lamp'. I've written about it before, very vaguely, and all it means is that sometimes I have moments where I find it impossible not to be cruel to somebody. I revel in hurting someone’s feelings.
Maybe you said or did something I didn't like, or it could be that you didn't do anything at all. It doesn't take much for me to go off somebody, as is my curse and my cross to bear. I made peace with it a long time ago, though, and the simple truth is that I simply don't particularly enjoy socialising. I'm no good at it and I don't have the patience nor the time to practice. There is, however, a quote in one of my favourite movies, Nightcrawler, that goes, "what if my problem wasn't that I don't understand people, but that I don't like them?" I feel like it explains me a little better. I think about that a lot.
The best part of this post is that everybody reading this that knows me personally will find it impossible not to question whether I hate them or not. Oh, joy!
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
11/05/2018
Tuesday 8 May 2018
Just Wait
Do you ever have moments that kind of just smack you in the face as you trip over them? Something completely mind-broadening to a point where it changes your perspective? I don’t have them often, but when I do it feels like such an inexplicable rush.
I’ve been struggling for two years to come up with an ending to my screenplay. I’ve mentioned my issue in previous posts, in hopes that talking about the problem will fix it. It didn’t. As much as I tried, it never worked. Now I understand. I just had to wait. It was a long wait, it was annoying and something I could’ve done without but, it finally came to me.
Finally, I have an ending.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
08/05/2018
I’ve been struggling for two years to come up with an ending to my screenplay. I’ve mentioned my issue in previous posts, in hopes that talking about the problem will fix it. It didn’t. As much as I tried, it never worked. Now I understand. I just had to wait. It was a long wait, it was annoying and something I could’ve done without but, it finally came to me.
Finally, I have an ending.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
08/05/2018
Saturday 5 May 2018
Gardens and Fountains
Despite the faux extravagance of the Sheffield Peace Gardens and the fake smiles of those inhabiting the vicinity, I had a good day yesterday. Usually, the hospitality of South Yorkshire goes horrifically awry in an attempt to force you into having a good time, but the sun was shining and everyone's spirits were high with swathes of ice cream, sausage rolls and other such forms of merriment.
The weather felt somewhat reminiscent of the fountains spouting out of the ground - constantly rising and falling, changing just like the weather. One minute the heat was killing us and the next we were being comforted by the gentlest of breezes and dark skies, but it was nice.
There was a man shouting very aggressively about his religion and how all sinners would go to HELL, surrounded by minions handing out bible verses and judgemental glares. I couldn't help but think he'd get his point across better if he'd been acting in a calmer fashion, but he didn't seem to be put off by the stares as his customers walked by. Nobody really minded and if they did, nobody brought it up. That's the great thing about Sheffield, you can do what you like as long as you're not in anybody's way. The moment you block a footpath, that's when you're about to have a problem.
Anyway, I'm sorry this post is late. Lovely was over so we could enjoy yesterday together. See y'all on Tuesday.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
05/05/2018
The weather felt somewhat reminiscent of the fountains spouting out of the ground - constantly rising and falling, changing just like the weather. One minute the heat was killing us and the next we were being comforted by the gentlest of breezes and dark skies, but it was nice.
There was a man shouting very aggressively about his religion and how all sinners would go to HELL, surrounded by minions handing out bible verses and judgemental glares. I couldn't help but think he'd get his point across better if he'd been acting in a calmer fashion, but he didn't seem to be put off by the stares as his customers walked by. Nobody really minded and if they did, nobody brought it up. That's the great thing about Sheffield, you can do what you like as long as you're not in anybody's way. The moment you block a footpath, that's when you're about to have a problem.
Anyway, I'm sorry this post is late. Lovely was over so we could enjoy yesterday together. See y'all on Tuesday.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
05/05/2018
Tuesday 1 May 2018
Unthinkable Unease
Being confident, or even being perceived as such, is completely unfathomable to me. For instance, I could never gather the courage to approach a person I might consider attractive and offer to buy them a coffee or a similar beverage of their choice. The concept of that action alone is foreign and completely absurd to me. If you told me you'd done that, I'd slap you on the shoulder and tell you how deranged and valiant you must be. Speaking to any stranger without being prompted first? Absolute mad lad.It sounds stupid but it's genuinely how a lot of people feel these days, and even despite that, people that aren't consumed by their own anxiety still don't get it. For instance, I have watched my dad strike up a conversation with every single person in a crowded pub. I sit alone at my table, firmly in the corner away from the looming company, and I watch him. He's smiling, they're smiling, the conversation is flowing. Yet I am plagued by awkward silences, searching for a topic to discuss and stuttering if I even consider attempting the same thing. It inevitably leads to me kicking myself for the remainder of the day and waking up that night in a cold sweat.
'God, you're so stupid,' scoffs my brain, 'did you really have to stare at the floor the entire time? Now they think you were being ignorant, you idiot.' There are times when I wish that maybe I was a little braver, or less of a coward some would say, and then I remember how much I despise socialising anyway. But then I think... maybe I wouldn't dislike seeing people as much if I could interact without the ineptitude of Mark Zuckerberg in a room full of humans. I can't even look members of my family in the eye for the most part, and I really can't tell if it's a problem that I should fix at this point.
In the end, I believe this is just who I am. Maybe with some work, I could fix some of my issues, perhaps all of them if I tried hard enough, but I think right now I plan on staying in my safety bubble away from the judgemental scowl of society. Beneath the warm, comfort blanket offering shade from the leering eyes and the sopping maw is me; a somewhat eccentric, strange little man that prides himself on his ability to speak to you like this rather than in person.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
01/05/2018
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