Cillian was insufferable. He didn’t lead a particularly interesting life, quite the contrary in fact, he did nothing of impact at all. Yet somehow the people around him would visibly brighten when he walked into a room, like a switch had been flicked. It was Cillian, the young man with the frustratingly perfect features and that positivity inducing smile. It was sickening, it really was, the way he could make anybody fall at his feet with those happy eyes... and he didn’t even know he was doing it. He was the equivalent of a dozen puppies doused in icing sugar or a newborn baby in a room of fawning mothers, and just as oblivious to it all.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
29/04/2018
Sunday 29 April 2018
Tuesday 24 April 2018
Distraction
Taking a little time out to focus on this post right now. My weekdays are usually freed up to a point where I have nothing to do if I'm not at work draining myself both physically and emotionally. Yesterday was as intrinsically tiring as a lifting job can get, but also socially exhaustive. I don't know, sometimes there are just days when I don't want to speak to anybody at all. A lot of people feel this way, and that makes me wonder if happiness has depleted in us as a whole.
I feel as though my creativity has been staunched so much this past couple of years that the only thing I can bring myself to do that I find rewarding anymore is play video games and write up pointless Tweets to make myself laugh. If I don't fake it then I don't think I'll make it. I used to love writing, and I still do, but with how much I'm struggling to even open a Word file lately it's becoming more and more difficult to focus on. I want to love what I write, but I can't. Nothing I make is original and I'm really having a hard time with it.
My screenplay is the biggest thing I want to be finished, but I can't think of an ending. It's been almost two years, and I still cannot think of an outcome. I don't know what to do. Every time I think about it, I push the thought to the back of my mind so it isn't distracting me, but... it should be distracting me. I should be working on it, but if I do, what then? What the hell do I do if I ever finish it? I was so passionate about the original idea because it was something I related to and I wanted to bring attention to, and now I'm just embarrassed that it's become yet another thing I never finished.
If anybody has any ideas at all on how to up their motivation then please let me know. I really need it lately.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
24/04/2018
I feel as though my creativity has been staunched so much this past couple of years that the only thing I can bring myself to do that I find rewarding anymore is play video games and write up pointless Tweets to make myself laugh. If I don't fake it then I don't think I'll make it. I used to love writing, and I still do, but with how much I'm struggling to even open a Word file lately it's becoming more and more difficult to focus on. I want to love what I write, but I can't. Nothing I make is original and I'm really having a hard time with it.
My screenplay is the biggest thing I want to be finished, but I can't think of an ending. It's been almost two years, and I still cannot think of an outcome. I don't know what to do. Every time I think about it, I push the thought to the back of my mind so it isn't distracting me, but... it should be distracting me. I should be working on it, but if I do, what then? What the hell do I do if I ever finish it? I was so passionate about the original idea because it was something I related to and I wanted to bring attention to, and now I'm just embarrassed that it's become yet another thing I never finished.
If anybody has any ideas at all on how to up their motivation then please let me know. I really need it lately.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
24/04/2018
Saturday 21 April 2018
Promises
I missed Friday this week because lovely came over on Thursday and when that happens, all my responsibilities go out the window. But a positive is that we had a really nice weekend together doing nothing but relaxing, which I would say is a break we both really needed. They work long hours in a physically demanding job so coming to me is the break they need.
Yes, this is boring, I realise, but again, I have no topic to speak of. The reason I write twice weekly is that I said I would. It's more keeping to a promise that I made to myself rather than to you readers, (no offense). If I post to this blog twice per week then I have something to drive me, even if the content isn't that interesting. If I'm proud of a post then I'll share the link, but if it's just filler like this then I usually just upload it and never speak of it again.
If you can keep promises to other people then why wouldn't you keep them for yourself? That's just as important, if not more. Gotta have your values innit.
Have a nice weekend, guys.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
21/04/2018
Yes, this is boring, I realise, but again, I have no topic to speak of. The reason I write twice weekly is that I said I would. It's more keeping to a promise that I made to myself rather than to you readers, (no offense). If I post to this blog twice per week then I have something to drive me, even if the content isn't that interesting. If I'm proud of a post then I'll share the link, but if it's just filler like this then I usually just upload it and never speak of it again.
If you can keep promises to other people then why wouldn't you keep them for yourself? That's just as important, if not more. Gotta have your values innit.
Have a nice weekend, guys.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
21/04/2018
Wednesday 18 April 2018
Self-Preservation
I didn’t know what to write yesterday, and I still don’t. I wish I was capable of coming up with something witty and brilliant twice every week but sometimes staring at a blank page is exhausting. I’m writing this now and my eyes are stinging. I must be some kind of masochist... that or the fact that I’m a serial daytime-napper is preventing me sleeping at night time. I’ve never had much of a sleep schedule, I just sleep when I’m tired - one of my key issues that I’ve promised to work on time and time again... but never do. Finding the time to work on myself is hard, so I often end up spiralling... and that’s okay. When the spinning stops, I can take a moment to reflect. That’s always helpful.
I don’t like writing about my problems in case it looks like I’m simply pandering. I’m not, I hate when people do the ‘oh woe is me’ thing. It’s impossible to know exactly the right way to respond to that, meaning most people don’t. But on the other hand I think it’s healthy that I’m writing this. I recognise that something is broken and needs to be worked on, it’s just a case of finding out exactly what that is. Maybe I’ll go to sleep now, try to rest up and hopefully write something decent on Friday.
Thank you for being patient with me.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
19/04/2018
I don’t like writing about my problems in case it looks like I’m simply pandering. I’m not, I hate when people do the ‘oh woe is me’ thing. It’s impossible to know exactly the right way to respond to that, meaning most people don’t. But on the other hand I think it’s healthy that I’m writing this. I recognise that something is broken and needs to be worked on, it’s just a case of finding out exactly what that is. Maybe I’ll go to sleep now, try to rest up and hopefully write something decent on Friday.
Thank you for being patient with me.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
19/04/2018
Saturday 14 April 2018
In My Head
Lately it feels as though my subconscious is trying to taunt me - specifically my dreams. I used to be friends with somebody very special and we fell apart, (personal reasons), but now I'm dreaming about that person multiple times a week. It's either about reconnecting, or going over the last time we spoke which... wasn't great. but... then I wake up and remember that I'm no longer in contact with that person, and it sucks.
I've seen them in real life since what happened, but I haven't had the courage to actually go over and try to sort things out. Anxiety is a stickler for something like that, and as many talking points there are in my head, things I'd like to say, my mouth would never allow them to come out coherently. And so... that's the only reason I haven't. I suppose it could be seen as cowardly, but it's difficult not knowing what would make them listen, or even if they want me to try to fix the situation at all.
It's been two years and every day my hope dwindles a little further. The only thing that gets me by is knowing I still have wonderful people around me - but being aware of what's happened in the past makes me all the more terrified of losing people.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
14/04/2018
I've seen them in real life since what happened, but I haven't had the courage to actually go over and try to sort things out. Anxiety is a stickler for something like that, and as many talking points there are in my head, things I'd like to say, my mouth would never allow them to come out coherently. And so... that's the only reason I haven't. I suppose it could be seen as cowardly, but it's difficult not knowing what would make them listen, or even if they want me to try to fix the situation at all.
It's been two years and every day my hope dwindles a little further. The only thing that gets me by is knowing I still have wonderful people around me - but being aware of what's happened in the past makes me all the more terrified of losing people.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
14/04/2018
Tuesday 10 April 2018
Kicking the Lamp
It's difficult to know who to trust in my circles with the amount of past run-ins I've had. Sometimes it isn't even down to trust, but expecting too much from somebody you barely know can still lead to disappointment. Not in this case but... on occasion.
Don't let people who don't know you from Adam or Steve tell you what or who you are. Don't open yourself up to that type of scrutiny. It's likely that they don't know shit and they're just projecting onto you because of how tremendously terrible their own life is. It's sad really when a person feels the need to bring others down just because they can, or because they're not being conscious enough of what they're saying to take any notice.
Paraphrasing how Tyler Joseph once put it; I know if I see a lamp in the corner of a room, I'm supposed to walk out of the room without kicking the lamp. But maybe if I treated my physical surroundings the way I treat the people around me, I'd kick that lamp over.
I used to think kicking the lamp was bad, given how often I do it. But you know what? Maybe it's best to kick a few lamps every now and then. It keeps the number of morons you allow into your life to a minimum, and that's always a good limitation to have. So go ahead, give a boot to your most disliked furniture, the cause of whatever hardships you're dealing with and dump them.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
10/04/2018
Don't let people who don't know you from Adam or Steve tell you what or who you are. Don't open yourself up to that type of scrutiny. It's likely that they don't know shit and they're just projecting onto you because of how tremendously terrible their own life is. It's sad really when a person feels the need to bring others down just because they can, or because they're not being conscious enough of what they're saying to take any notice.
Paraphrasing how Tyler Joseph once put it; I know if I see a lamp in the corner of a room, I'm supposed to walk out of the room without kicking the lamp. But maybe if I treated my physical surroundings the way I treat the people around me, I'd kick that lamp over.
I used to think kicking the lamp was bad, given how often I do it. But you know what? Maybe it's best to kick a few lamps every now and then. It keeps the number of morons you allow into your life to a minimum, and that's always a good limitation to have. So go ahead, give a boot to your most disliked furniture, the cause of whatever hardships you're dealing with and dump them.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
10/04/2018
Friday 6 April 2018
The Streetwise Fool
Do you ever feel like you're close enough to a person that you'd tell them things you wouldn't usually talk about, and then when those subjects do come up you feel an odd sense of regret?
Maybe I shouldn't have gone into such detail about that set of circumstances, no, in fact, keeping that to myself would've been a far better idea!
But I get to a certain point where I feel like I need to share things, pieces of me that are infallibly incriminating.
I physically cannot stop it, like... like I'm an addict.
Has that one misplaced judgement put me back a step?
Was I making any progress at all before that moment?
Sometimes I believe it's probably necessary to keep aspects of yourself hidden.
"Don't tell people what a shitty person you are, they'll hate you," but... I can't stop myself from doing it.
The rush I get, I know it's wrong but nothing gives me as palpable a feeling as that.
Maybe it's just me.
I'd give every part of me just for a reason to speak to somebody.
- Unknown
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
06/04/2018
Maybe I shouldn't have gone into such detail about that set of circumstances, no, in fact, keeping that to myself would've been a far better idea!
But I get to a certain point where I feel like I need to share things, pieces of me that are infallibly incriminating.
I physically cannot stop it, like... like I'm an addict.
Has that one misplaced judgement put me back a step?
Was I making any progress at all before that moment?
Sometimes I believe it's probably necessary to keep aspects of yourself hidden.
"Don't tell people what a shitty person you are, they'll hate you," but... I can't stop myself from doing it.
The rush I get, I know it's wrong but nothing gives me as palpable a feeling as that.
Maybe it's just me.
I'd give every part of me just for a reason to speak to somebody.
- Unknown
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
06/04/2018
Tuesday 3 April 2018
Two Years
I didn’t think I had anything to write about this evening and then realised how stupid I was considering a topic was staring at me right between the eyes. Me and my lovely just surpassed two years together, and I can honestly say it doesn’t feel remotely like that amount of time has passed. I remember the day I first met them so vividly, and the evening we got together too. We’ve made so many wonderful memories together, and now we get to make plenty more in the future.
Lovely got us matching rings, (yes, it was as sappy as it sounds), and I love it. Now I have something on me at all times that represents them, and having that is really important to me. They’re kind of like promise rings, I guess? Regardless, I’m the luckiest old man on the planet. Knowing my partner wants to spend forever with me is... such a euphoric and comforting feeling.
In other news I’m going to try and get something new done on Twine soon because it’s been far too long and I need to exercise my creative freedoms on there again. I’m also thinking of buying a new computer that can deal with running software like the Source engine. Kinda feel like I’m heading back towards my roots a little.
Only a short little post tonight to keep you all updated. Have a great week, and thank you to everybody that sent us anniversary messages and well wishes.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
03/04/2018
Lovely got us matching rings, (yes, it was as sappy as it sounds), and I love it. Now I have something on me at all times that represents them, and having that is really important to me. They’re kind of like promise rings, I guess? Regardless, I’m the luckiest old man on the planet. Knowing my partner wants to spend forever with me is... such a euphoric and comforting feeling.
In other news I’m going to try and get something new done on Twine soon because it’s been far too long and I need to exercise my creative freedoms on there again. I’m also thinking of buying a new computer that can deal with running software like the Source engine. Kinda feel like I’m heading back towards my roots a little.
Only a short little post tonight to keep you all updated. Have a great week, and thank you to everybody that sent us anniversary messages and well wishes.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
03/04/2018
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