Cherished

  I'm so thankful that the Linkin Park fan-base is so loving and accepting. It brings warmth to my heart when I see videos of Chester among the crowds, swathes of open hands bathing him with fondness and care. It's not often you're able to find such intimacy between an artist and the adoring friends and fans. In one video he was close enough to them that they could touch and stroke his face. To see complete strangers being so tender and gentle towards him makes me happier than I can even describe. Even though he's gone, I'm glad he had that. I'm glad he got to feel and be surrounded by that love.

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
28/07/2017

Meta's Issues With Writing

  Writing is so instilled in me at this point that I sometimes forget I have to actually write. Like, it's always on the brain whether it's vocabulary, bits of dialogue or an idea for a new project, but sometimes I find myself making more notes than actual progress. 'Oh, but making notes is progress, Meta!' I hear you screaming. Notes are helpful, yes, but if I don't actually use them for anything then it's a fairly pointless exercise.

  One thing I've noticed is that I rarely make a plan before I start writing - by 'rarely' I mean... well, never. I haven't followed any kind of guide since I was forced to do so in high school. I like to write and see where my head takes me rather than following strict guidelines, but recently I've been struggling to surpass even a few pages of fiction. The entire purpose of this blog was to force me to write regularly enough to pick up writing again as a whole.

  Well, I have. I've set off down the footpath of a journey, much like Ash Ketchum leaving Pallet Town to become the greatest Pokémon master there ever was. I hope that one day my craft will bear fruits that I can gaze at. I want more than anything to actually finish something. I'm sick of telling those around me that I'm beginning a new project only to throw it away a few weeks in. For me, writing is so esoteric that most of my work never sees the light of day. It sees the recycle bin, at best. I'd love to throw my work into the world and watch it grow, but beyond this blog it isn't ready. Not yet. You have to walk before you can run, and I'm still taking baby steps.

  So last night I decided that, after binge watching Pyrocynical till 3am, I was going to start planning. I've an idea for something extensive, and written notes in the form of what the chapters will be based around. The beginning is down, now I just need to keep it up, as hard as that will be for me.

  But I've kept up with this blog, right?

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
28/07/2017

Stay In Your Lane, Meta

  You know when something's going on with two people you know and one asks you to get information on the other? Yeah, just don't do it. Bad. Very bad. One or both of the individuals will get hurt. There's no ifs, hows or buts about it, even if there's no consequences immediately, karma will bite you in the ass.

  Because then of course it's not just Person A wanting to know a few things on Person B, it goes back and forth until you're completely wedged between a rock and a hard place. How can you tell Person A something, and Person B something else whilst withholding information from one or both and manage to keep a handle on the back-and-forth? You really need to keep an eye on who you're texting what to.

  That's when Person B tells you that they're actually not interested in Person A! Scandalous, I know! Despite the fact that Person A and Person B have been getting along just fine, and there was the possible prospect of a relationship on the horizon, but ohhhh noooo, Person B is in a relationship already! The humanity! So Person A is of course rather upset, but also confused considering Person B seems more than happy to initiate situations neither of the two should be caught up in!

  All the while, poor ol' Person C, (that's me, just in case you've no idea where this midnight ramble is going), is completely trapped in the middle of all the emotions that he doesn't like to take part in. Just stay out of these situations. You've no reason to be there at all, so get out while you still can. And if you're Person A or Person B... stop that. Lead honest lives. You're causing us all issues. You're tearing this family apart.

  ... It's been a rough couple weeks.

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
21/07/2017

  

Not Mine To Grieve

  Grieving for somebody you never knew is an odd thing. Like, you never had them, but now that they're actually gone their 'not presence' is much worse. How could I possibly be so upset over somebody I've never shared a conversation with, or even a glance? If I knew, I'd tell you, and if I ever find out, well, I'll let you know.

  The circumstances definitely impact the way you'll feel, how you'll react and deal with the loss. For instance; if it's sudden, maybe you'll be too shocked to show much of an emotional response at first. Then it'll hit you square in the jaw. The emptiness in the pit of your ribcage, and the burning regret that there was nothing you could do.

  Of course, everyone is different. I'm referencing myself as if I were another to help ease what I'm feeling. It's silly, and I know he wasn't mine to grieve, but losing him really hit me hard. The more I listen to One More Light, the more it sounds like a note. A glaringly obvious goodbye.

  I wish this post had a wonderful silver-lining to it, but there's none that I can personally fathom. The likelihood of it reaching my dashboard is low as right now I'm writing as an outlet, but if I do end up hitting publish and you see this, I hope you're happy. I hope you're fulfilled. If you're not, then I hope you find a way out of the dark.

  It's worth it, I promise.

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
22/07/2017

  

Force-d Love

  Do you ever get that feeling where you're really fortunate to have somebody in your life? Of course you do, you know what I mean. Right? You never thought you'd be friends but somehow, in some weird twist of fate... there they are.

  Kit's extremely narcissistic so when I said I was struggling to think of a topic, of course she told me to write about her. But it's her birthday tomorrow, (yesterday when you'll be reading this, today when she does as she's my proofreader), so I suppose I can let her off this time.

  It's difficult to think of something to write without heavily inflating her ego. What can I say that she doesn't already know? I'm thankful to her for so many reasons, but not enough for her to have some weird hold over me...

  Being completely honest, she's one of the only people I can think of that didn't try to judge me before she really knew me. Granted, now she judges me constantly but we can all understand that. She listens and cares about what I have to say, and I feel good about myself. She picks me up and tells me how successful I'm capable of being if I put my energy into it. None of that life-guru bullshit, just honesty.

  She's kind, and caring, and probably a better person than I'll ever be capable of being. She's funny too, but not as funny as me, of course. Sorry sorry, this is her time. She's had so many opportunities to get back at people in big ways and never taken them. Somehow, she manages to take the high road because she knows it's worth it to be civil with people. I adore her penchant for taking revenge in tiny ways that won't result in karmic backlash. Like secretly feeding her rich friend Poundland chocolate. Just brilliant.

  The final thing is that I will never be able to express how much it means to me when she tells me she loves me almost everyday. I'm not saying I'm needy but if you don't say 'I love you' back, then you're simply the worst kind of person and there's no hope for you - if that statement offends you, read my previous post. You can't see it, but I'm winking at you derisively.

  So yes, Kit is my best friend and I love her very much. I encourage the strangers reading this to leave her birthday messages in the comments... because that's the polite thing to do. Gosh, if I didn't prompt you to do things you'd just stay in your room all day. Probably forget to eat. Die of eventual dehydration. Are you even still reading, or are you lying face down dead on your keyboard typing an aggressive efbmuuuuuuxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz in the comment box? I suppose if you're dead, there's no way of knowing. Oh! To the parent or medical professional that finds this blog post open, I implore you to click the 'publish' button so we can see whatever was inputted while the reader's corpse was quickly decomposing.

Signed,

Elijah.

Meta Sentience.

21/07/2017

Goodnight Chester

  I know Thursday's aren't in my regular posting schedule but tonight I wanted to remind everybody how important it is that you stay alive. You have incredible potential as human beings and it is so extremely important you don't choose to throw that away.

  This year alone we've lost so many people we've looked up to and admired, those we've adored and been so very thankful for. This morning was no different. Chester Bennington, front man of Linkin Park, is no longer with us and I cannot describe the raw emotions I'm experiencing. The fact that another with a heart as large as his smile has taken his own life truly solidifies the point I will ALWAYS make.

  There is no way for us to know what's in a person's head. Sometimes the biggest smile is hiding an indescribable melancholy, the side they don't want anybody else to see. It's so important that we understand that.

  Reading about Chester's death this afternoon was something I never thought I would have to do, and it saddens me to my core. Despite that, I plan on remembering the smile on his face and the music in his soul. I just hope he is finally at peace with the thing he was wrestling.

  Goodnight, Chester. Rock on.

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
20/07/2017

Meta Mind Control

  Are you problematic? Do you repeatedly offend people on the internet without even realising? Would you like a solution for this issue? For only £39.99 YOU could be the owner of the Conflict Shield! Make sure nothing you say ever causes upset again! Alternatively, if it does, nobody will ever know it was you... subject to availability, may be illegal in some countries. Contains mind control beams stolen back from the FBI and Area 51. While stocks last. 2,347,956% APR.

  If I got your hopes up and you were already frantically searching for a link that would lead you right to purchasing your own Conflict Shield... I don't know, clearly you don't understand this blog yet. Keep reading, I need the views.

  What that little bit of tomfoolery at the beginning was about, is the fact that so many people here on the World Wide Web get offended over things so insignificant. Do you not realise we're on the brink of our planet falling apart, (no, not literally... actually, maybe literally. Don't quote me, I'm no scientist), and Becky's still hung up on Brad saying he prefers Taco Bell over McDonalds. Becky works at McDonalds, how could Brad say something so insensitive?! Grow up, Becky! Not everything is about you!

  Do you want to know the realest piece of advice for when you see something online that offends you? Click off that Tweet, click the little X in the top right of the YouTube video, exit out of this blog as soon as you feel those bad vibes building deep in your soul. It's not worth it.

  But do you know what is worth it? Being a part of the conversation and being more than willing to debate. If somebody you know is a feminist, and you don't support those views? Listen! Have the open-mindedness about you to be able to take on board what they're saying, and then argue against points you don't agree with. If you're a Liberal and your best friend is a Conservative, don't feel the need to shame them for it. Is it really so out there to have a civil discussion?

  I'm not telling you that you don't have the right to be upset about something, I'd just really like to encourage thought before deciding to act. Think before you throw out the racist and sexist cards, wonder if what you're saying will be impactful in the right way. You've no idea what's in a person's head or in their heart via their online persona, so what gives you the right to judge?

  Offer a bit of consideration for your fellow humans, would you? When that happens, we'll be one step closer to a better place for us all.

Signed,

Elijah.

Meta Sentience.

18/07/2017

The Zodiac Age

  Have you ever been in such a fit of excitement that nothing else mattered except the thing you were bouncing around the walls for? Well, allow me to bring you on a little cruise down memory lane.

  March 16th, 2006. Nine year old Meta had been playing PS1 games for years and now it was time for something different, something new that would inevitably form the intrinsic adoration for Square Enix that I hold to this day. I came home from school and my dad said, "I bought this for you, it looked like something you might like." He handed me the grey-cased platinum edition of Final Fantasy XII for the PS2. The only games I'd ever played for that console were Gran Turismo 4 and Spider-Man, (yes, the old one where you died if you touched the ground).

  And that's it! If that one instance hadn't happened, if my dad hadn't done that for me, I doubt I would be the avid gamer I am today. Final Fantasy opened up this whole other universe. RPG's?! You mean to tell me I can have in-game adventures that will shatter my heart and mind for the rest of my days, waste hundreds of hours of my actual life to form bonds with characters that do not exist?! ... I'm in!

  Anyway, what I actually wanted to tell you is that Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age has finally been released for the PS4 and I've been completely head over heels with my old flame for days. Days that I know will become weeks. Possibly years. People will not see nor hear from me, but even if I do not re-emerge, know that I am happy. Know that I am content.

  See you next Tuesday!

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
14/07/2017

New Grounds

  I want to start making games again. That makes it sound like I used to make games, I didn't, but I used to want to. I'm already making no sense. Congratulations, Meta, you set a new record.

  I always get a feeling of not wanting to encroach on territory that is not my own. For example, I am a writer. When I studied to be a game developer, I thought I could break into new grounds. It didn't really go to plan. I think the reason for that is that learning in a classroom environment is especially tedious. And it doesn't help when lecturers aren't exactly... accommodating.

  At first I would tell them I didn't understand certain things, but after receiving aggressive backlash consisting of, 'you're not trying!' or, 'you're not working hard enough!', I stopped. I gave up, and rather than using my own initiative, I would simply waste away my time. In retrospect, not my finest moment. But when the spark is repeatedly snuffed out, it's difficult to re-ignite.

  Not wanting to enter unfamiliar fields comes from my unwillingness to fail, like most people I assume. So, it's taken me a while, over two years to be exact, but I think I'm sort of back on the creative wagon. Maybe. I mean, I'm not entirely sure, but since starting this blog I've turned a few small ideas into text adventures via Twine. I find that the tedium of coding in the link passages is soothing.

  My mindless scribbles at ridiculous hours in the morning gain weight. At that point, they mightn't mean anything to anybody else, but they mean something to me. Even if nobody ever figures out what exactly that something is.

  http://philome.la/cosplaysaint/would-you-jump

  http://philome.la/cosplaysaint/searching-for

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
12/07/2017
  

Purpose

  Sometimes, regardless of what you're going through, there are always going to be occasions where you must put your own feelings away to help somebody else. I find myself doing this a lot lately.

  But I'm not resentful of that. If gently coaxing one person away from a cliff edge and through a bad time means helping them overcome the things they are wrestling, even for a night, then I know I did a good thing. I found my purpose and it was worth it. 

  Life is a quick-footed thoroughfare and it can seem impossible to find where you fit in. It can be a slow climb to get there, but all it takes is the right person who refuses to give up. To allow an individual to believe that they are worthless, that they could simply slip away with nobody noticing, would be an abhorrent thing to do. If you have the opportunity to pick somebody up, don't leave them to fall down. I can't emphasise how important that is.

  I know how predictable it is for somebody to say, 'don't worry, it gets better', but it's true. There's things ahead that will be worth everything difficult that ever laid you out flat on the pavement, and at the time it probably won't even occur to you how worth it it all was.

  If you ever feel like you're about to hurt yourself, please, please remember how important you really are. The time you have is precious and limited, so for you to deprive the world of the beautiful things you could accomplish would be an exceptional shame indeed.

For Kit.

Signed,

Elijah.

Meta Sentience.

07/07/2017

Meta Love

  What is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. N o  m o r e.

  My spider-monkey told me I should write 'bout love for this Tuesday's entry. Love is... well, it's strange, isn't it? Something we can't see but we know exists. Weird and complex in a totally unexplainable way, and completely different for every single person that experiences it. For instance, it can make you do crazy things... like giving your significant other the nickname 'spider-monkey'.

  Does love transfer? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? If so, how could it possibly result in a fulfilling and sustainable relationship? Is it okay to tell your friends you love them? How long does it take to fall in love? If you got lost three questions ago, congratulations. You are now an honorary member of the human race. What I'm trying to say in a roundabout, round-the-park, round-the-town sort of way is that love is confusing. Or it can be... if you're problematic... like me.

  Most will say that love is the most powerful and driving thing you'll ever feel. I would dispute that, and then offer up an alternative; fear. Which ironically is something that love is able to incite in us all. The two emotions wander hand in hand. One cannot exist without the other. You're falling in love, and it's brilliant. It's fantastic and everything you've ever dreamed it would be, but you're scared. There will always be an underlying awareness of the unease you feel.

  Throughout my last relationship I was completely ruled by fear. When I finally made the move to end it, to rid myself of the toxicity, I was scared. Not of what I would lose or what I might regret, but what I stood to gain. Would I be good enough for whatever came next?

  Are you seeing a theme in this blog, yet?

  The love I have now, from my partner, from my parents, best friends and the people I work with, it was worth every tiny speck of fear I endured. I no longer sit in silence wondering what I'm about to say wrong next, I'm not afraid to be confronted by my thoughts and what I'm feeling anymore, (not all the time, anyway).

  But there, sitting quietly in the back of my brain, they're still present. Love and fear waiting to grapple for the wheel in an attempt to either steer me clear of a steep drop or watch me plummet.

  Shock horror! I'm ready for that. Because I do have people with me that love me so dearly, to such an extent that sometimes it's hard to comprehend. It's hard to accept. Do I deserve love? Yes, I believe everybody does. But being aware of how deserving you are doesn't make it any easier to acknowledge. Hence fear. See? We circled back sooner than you thought.

  Yes, love will make you do stupid things, as the tale goes, but it can also make you do things full of magic and light. Like filling your partner's bedroom with balloons before they get home from work, or spontaneously driving over to their house at midnight because you miss them.

Sure love is terrifying, but god, it's worth it.

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
04/06/2017