Unthinkable Unease

  Being confident, or even being perceived as such, is completely unfathomable to me. For instance, I could never gather the courage to approach a person I might consider attractive and offer to buy them a coffee or a similar beverage of their choice. The concept of that action alone is foreign and completely absurd to me. If you told me you'd done that, I'd slap you on the shoulder and tell you how deranged and valiant you must be. Speaking to any stranger without being prompted first? Absolute mad lad.

  It sounds stupid but it's genuinely how a lot of people feel these days, and even despite that, people that aren't consumed by their own anxiety still don't get it. For instance, I have watched my dad strike up a conversation with every single person in a crowded pub. I sit alone at my table, firmly in the corner away from the looming company, and I watch him. He's smiling, they're smiling, the conversation is flowing. Yet I am plagued by awkward silences, searching for a topic to discuss and stuttering if I even consider attempting the same thing. It inevitably leads to me kicking myself for the remainder of the day and waking up that night in a cold sweat.

  'God, you're so stupid,' scoffs my brain, 'did you really have to stare at the floor the entire time? Now they think you were being ignorant, you idiot.' There are times when I wish that maybe I was a little braver, or less of a coward some would say, and then I remember how much I despise socialising anyway. But then I think... maybe I wouldn't dislike seeing people as much if I could interact without the ineptitude of Mark Zuckerberg in a room full of humans. I can't even look members of my family in the eye for the most part, and I really can't tell if it's a problem that I should fix at this point.

  In the end, I believe this is just who I am. Maybe with some work, I could fix some of my issues, perhaps all of them if I tried hard enough, but I think right now I plan on staying in my safety bubble away from the judgemental scowl of society. Beneath the warm, comfort blanket offering shade from the leering eyes and the sopping maw is me; a somewhat eccentric, strange little man that prides himself on his ability to speak to you like this rather than in person.

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
01/05/2018