I Love You

  Don't be fooled by the title of this post. If you think I'm going to be pandering to you and kissing your hands out of gratitude, then you're incorrect and silly for even thinking so. I've never really known how to be nice to people. Not in a way that suggests I don't understand social cues, I do. I have a vast knowledge of how I'm supposed to act. I just... don't, because why should I? Don't get me wrong, if you're kind to me, I will be courteous in reciprocation. That isn't what I mean.

  There are people in my life that I dislike for just... being. I won't say hate, even though you know I'm probably thinking it, because hate is an extremely powerful word. That tiny little verb can stick in a person's mind for years and force them to question every aspect of themselves, and as much as I'd probably find enjoyment in that, it is somewhat frowned upon. But there's this thing I do that I call 'kicking the lamp'. I've written about it before, very vaguely, and all it means is that sometimes I have moments where I find it impossible not to be cruel to somebody. I revel in hurting someone’s feelings.

  Maybe you said or did something I didn't like, or it could be that you didn't do anything at all. It doesn't take much for me to go off somebody, as is my curse and my cross to bear. I made peace with it a long time ago, though, and the simple truth is that I simply don't particularly enjoy socialising. I'm no good at it and I don't have the patience nor the time to practice. There is, however, a quote in one of my favourite movies, Nightcrawler, that goes, "what if my problem wasn't that I don't understand people, but that I don't like them?" I feel like it explains me a little better. I think about that a lot.

  The best part of this post is that everybody reading this that knows me personally will find it impossible not to question whether I hate them or not. Oh, joy!

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
11/05/2018