Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to be Spider-Man, and I deemed those that didn't understand insane. How could they not get it? What part of their cognitive thinking was missing to allow them to think that Spider-Man wasn't as cool as I believed he was? Five year old me was smitten. Obviously now at 22, still enamoured by the entire concept, I realise that people are entitled to their own opinions, even if they're fucking WRONG. (Thanks Pewds).
I saw Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse yesterday at the 3pm showing. At the time of writing this, it's been 21 hours, I slept for eight of them, and I still cannot physically, mentally or emotionally conceive of how perfect it was. I can't think of the correct words I want to use because I know none of them will do it justice. The animation, design, soundtrack, scripting, voice acting, etc, every piece of work that went into this movie needs to be fully appreciated by all that see it. Frame by frame, Spider-Verse is a visual masterpiece and in the least try-hard way possible. It doesn't need to do any of the usual pretentious movie shit, all it needs to do is... be.
My eyes were wet and teary through 90% of the film, and glinting with nostalgic delight throughout. Miles Morales is a wonderful character and I think having the film's groundwork solely around him and everything he's trying to overcome, not only physically in New York but the issues in his head is a fantastic message for a lot of young people. It made me realise that I spent so many years searching for acceptance from my peers and those around me, including faceless people on the internet that I didn't even know, and it was only when I made the conscious decision to end that search that I found the approval I was so desperately seeking. When Miles comes to this conclusion during the final arc, we see his full potential and he shines.
The involvement of classic Peter Parker was probably what made me the giddiest. His usual sarcastic and pointed humour mixed with a slight intonation of contempt felt familiar to me. Almost like I'd never been away. The moments that showed his age and his vulnerabilities, including the insecurities involving his relationship with Mary Jane Watson, reinforced the feeling that I grew up with this man. Not just Spider-Man, or the slew of others we've seen as the movie industry morphed and changed, but this man. Peter. B. Parker is the perfect representation of my hero. My web-slinger. As a kid, he would've given me the most hope and shown me the best things about myself even when I couldn't see them.
For years everyone has been undecided on who should be 'the one' to represent Marvel's classic hero, but Spider-Verse teaches us that there isn't one. Spider-Man is inherently selfless, loyal, trustworthy, quick-witted, well-humoured, self-sacrificing and compassionate, but best of all he shows us how draining and debilitating it is to be all those things. It is not easy to be good, yet somehow Spider-Man always manages it regardless of the toll it takes on himself. That has always been the message and I'm so glad it continues to be the theme of the Spider-Verse. Anyone can wear the mask.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
31/12/2018
I'm feeling an overwhelming level of angst lately. I don't know whether it's due to the fact that I'm a piece of shit and am unable to complete any goals I set, or if it's down to something much deeper. Let's be honest, It's probably a mixture of both. The want to be validated so desperately, and receiving nothing in return for the things I do for people. That's how it's always been and that's how it's always going to be. It's a precarious subject because if anyone reads this, they will undoubtedly have questions. I can't deal with questions right now, but I'm out here anyway. What am I searching for? What is this thing so buried within me that I can't hear anything over the noise it makes? I just want it to stop. I just want it to stop. I'm unravelling. My head hurts and the ache in my stomach will n0t subside. It will never end.
"It's your choice."
I don't think I've ever been more afraid of that phrase in my life. Three little words and I was terrified.
After having not been a pet owner for a number of years now, I figured that maybe I'd forgotten how it felt to lose them. But the moment it happens again, it all comes rushing back. Like a deluge of rain that you can't hear the world over. That's how it felt when Summer passed. The feeling of helplessness was indescribable, and it's enough to drive anybody insane.
Around two weeks ago, my partner noticed a small scratch on the inside of our albino rat's ear. We thought nothing of it until I came home a few days later and noticed a small stream of blood coming from the area we'd previously seen the scratch. This was, of course, concerning so sought out an exotic veterinarian close by.
We waited to see if she would wash the blood off herself since she was always preening, and for the most part, she did. Unfortunately, she was clearly irritated and continued to scratch at the small wound until she really opened it up. There was blood everywhere. Her tank was like the set of a horror movie and I genuinely wasn't certain whether she would last the night until we could get her to the vet the next morning. She did, and when the consultation was over, we left with anti-inflammatory medication and high hopes.
The next few days went by quickly, and things were looking positive. The medication made her drowsy and eased her pain enough that she could clean the wound without more injury, just like the vet wanted. She had basically completely healed after only a few days. We were so relieved.
Unfortunately, our relief was short lived. She continued to scratch despite still being medicated, and the wound opened back up again. Another vet visit dictated that she had an infection and there was no way of knowing how bad the internal damage was without putting her under anaesthetic.
On Wednesday the 28th of November, at 12:37pm, the vet rang me and asked for permission to put Summer to sleep. It was the hardest phone call of my life, and the worst decision I ever had to make. But there was no other choice. I couldn't be selfish and let her suffer under the extreme pain and stresses that multiple surgical procedures would have put her under.
There is probably more I could add to this post, but this is all I can manage right now. I don't have the energy nor the mental stability for anything else. It's been a few weeks and we're all still hurt from the empty space.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
18/12/2018
Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to be Spider-Man, and I deemed those that didn't understand insane. How could they not get it? What part of their cognitive thinking was missing to allow them to think that Spider-Man wasn't as cool as I believed he was? Five year old me was smitten. Obviously now at 22, still enamoured by the entire concept, I realise that people are entitled to their own opinions, even if they're fucking WRONG. (Thanks Pewds). 
For years everyone has been undecided on who should be 'the one' to represent Marvel's classic hero, but Spider-Verse teaches us that there isn't one. Spider-Man is inherently selfless, loyal, trustworthy, quick-witted, well-humoured, self-sacrificing and compassionate, but best of all he shows us how draining and debilitating it is to be all those things. It is not easy to be good, yet somehow Spider-Man always manages it regardless of the toll it takes on himself. That has always been the message and I'm so glad it continues to be the theme of the Spider-Verse. Anyone can wear the mask.