Small Circle

  It’s... been another three months, hasn’t it. I’m sorry, I really am. Though that word means fuck-all in the grand scheme, especially when nobody can see the meaning behind it. If there’s any meaning at all.

  It sounds silly, but the last few months have been so up and down that I’m not sure where I’m at right now. I’ve been playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons like most other people on the planet that own a Switch. There hasn’t been an AC game that I haven’t enjoyed, so I knew the latest instalment was something I wanted to personally experience rather than vicariously live through an obnoxious YouTube gamer. I’ve really enjoyed having a new little project to work on, (my island), even though I never make it all that pretty. I have villagers I love and a space that’s my own, so that’s what matters to me.

  It’s nice, in a way, to be able to escape my own circle. You wouldn’t think it be possible to fuck up and still be a bad person when you only talk to like, three people? But trust me, it’s still very much a risk if you’re an idiot like I am. Imagine potentially sacrificing something you love so much for literally no reason at all. If you can’t think of how that would make you feel, or can’t begin to conceive of what that would be like, then just trust me when I say that it’s bad.

  Is the reason I stay away from people really for my benefit? Or is it for theirs? I think about that a lot. Is it because I’m scared of what they’ll do to me? Or because I’m scared of what I could do to them if I become even more apathetic and even more complacent?

  Of course, these questions are all rhetoric. There’s no telling what the answers really are, hell, even I don’t know most of the time.

  I miss having things to be passionate about other than games. I miss writing. I miss being interested in other things. I miss being interested in people. I miss expressing my political stances in spaces that really didn’t matter to people that didn’t even care to hear about what you thought or believed. Those don’t exist anymore. This is my only platform. I have no interests. I am an empty shell of what I once believed myself to be. Where does that leave me?

  What’s it like, you ask? If I could explain it any better than I already have, then I would. But I can’t. I mentally, physically, emotionally, (and any other planes besides these that might exist), can’t. There are no words for it. None that I can conjure up. The only thing that comes close is this empty feeling... I need to do some more thinking.

Signed,

Elijah.

Meta Sentience.

08/06/2020