Him.

  Last September was around the last time I posted anything before my ‘hiatus’ or whatever. It was around then that I lost someone who I thought would be a permanent fixture in my life. He ghosted me and despite this happening many times before with other people, he was different and it really fucked me up. I didn’t know how to deal with it or how I was even supposed to move past it without an explanation. I don’t know whether I am past it at this point and there are still things I can’t play/do/listen to/think about without thinking of him, and that is the semi-permanent damage his actions have done to me. It’s unfair, and I still have no explanation. But he is alive and I suppose that’s all that matters. I hope he’s happy without me even though I am not without him.

——————————————————

  This part is being written a month or so after the first bit up there.

  I’m still in the same-ish boat as I was when it first happened, though I can feel myself slowly healing and fixing back together. It’s not perfect, as I am not either. And neither was he. Nor is anyone. That’s why this happened in the first place. At the end of the day, I got too close. I saw being his friend as some kind of prize in a way, thus lowering my self-worth. The fact that I was happy someone like him would ever think to be friends with ‘someone like me’ says a lot about my low self-esteem. It felt like I’d won him, which is kind of sick.

  I felt so much anger in the first few months. I for some reason thought maybe if I vented it online he’d see how much I was hurting and want to fix what he’d done to me, but I was wrong. He unfollowed me about a month after.

  That hit hard. That hurt.

  It’s hard to let go, but sometimes you have to. Your health depends on if.

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
08/03/2020