I'm relieving myself right now. The laptop is burning my legs as I pee. Sure, I could've quickly used the loo, washed my hands and then come back to the comfort of the sofa to write this, but there is no time. My thought train likes to leave the station early sometimes, so the pink burn marks from my ten-year-old laptop are worth it.
I keep skipping work. I keep skipping writing. I keep skipping responsibilities and simple tasks like showering, (yes, I'm that guy). I keep skipping. Not the kind with the rope, that might actually do me some good. But I'm skipping out on so much lately and doing so little, I really need to sort myself out. So this is it. This week I am going back to work no matter how run-down I feel. I need it. Without my job, I lack so much stability and that can be really debilitating.
My stomach is now rumbling, but food can wait. I'm going to post this on Tuesday, and on Tuesday, I'm going to write a post for Friday. From there, we will see how things go. If I could just get into the swing of things again, I think both you and I could really benefit.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
Friday, 8 March 2019
Two Birds, One Prison
I think if there is anyone out there in that big open space, watching out for me and making things happen, he did me a solid this week. He really went out of his way and I am so thankful. Obviously, I know better than to believe in some magic dude in the clouds, but maybe things happen for a reason.
I lost two friends around the same kind of time two years ago. They both just stopped responding to my messages and I was left questioning where they had gone or what I had done. The first, I am now back in contact with and happier than ever, the second is in prison and serving six years. Which was fucking news to me? Both getting back in contact with Jake and finding out Alex is sitting in a HMP somewhere happened on the same day. I can’t help but think this is some weird coincidence because it’s just... spooky. Try telling me that ain’t spooky.
Let's not focus on the latter, because let's be honest it's depressing as fuck and I'm still having a hard time processing everything to do with it. There are so many tiny details spinning raucously in my head and I just need it to stop now.
But like... I got my boy back. My closest friend during that period of my life, after Alex and I left college, disappeared without a single trace and now he's just... back? I can't describe how weird it is to wake up and know he's there. Only a message or a bus ride away. There's something endlessly comforting about that, and about him. I love him so much, from his dumb jokes to his deadpan face. Jake is everything I could ever want or need in a friend, and being without him wasn't easy. I thought about him often. Aaaand now I'm stuck with him, so. Careful what you wish for innit. ;)
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
08/03/2019
I lost two friends around the same kind of time two years ago. They both just stopped responding to my messages and I was left questioning where they had gone or what I had done. The first, I am now back in contact with and happier than ever, the second is in prison and serving six years. Which was fucking news to me? Both getting back in contact with Jake and finding out Alex is sitting in a HMP somewhere happened on the same day. I can’t help but think this is some weird coincidence because it’s just... spooky. Try telling me that ain’t spooky.
Let's not focus on the latter, because let's be honest it's depressing as fuck and I'm still having a hard time processing everything to do with it. There are so many tiny details spinning raucously in my head and I just need it to stop now.
But like... I got my boy back. My closest friend during that period of my life, after Alex and I left college, disappeared without a single trace and now he's just... back? I can't describe how weird it is to wake up and know he's there. Only a message or a bus ride away. There's something endlessly comforting about that, and about him. I love him so much, from his dumb jokes to his deadpan face. Jake is everything I could ever want or need in a friend, and being without him wasn't easy. I thought about him often. Aaaand now I'm stuck with him, so. Careful what you wish for innit. ;)
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
08/03/2019
Tuesday, 22 January 2019
Phil Fish, Projection and Parasocial Relationships
This is a topic I've wanted to cover for a really long time, but I've either not had the time or I've put it off in order to slot something into my oh so busy schedule; in other words, I've been very lazy. I want this blog to be better and if that's going to be possible, I need to pour every drop of passion I have into it. Every single spec. If it's going to look after me, I need to look after it too. Anyway... here we go.
A parasocial relationship goes one way and is ultimately destructive. It's a concept that outlines and encompasses the feelings of an audience towards an artist or creator, where the person offers emotional ties, time and energy - often strong, overbearing and possessive. It's twisted but barely acknowledged. The artist does not know you, and you don't know them. Not really. Not on the purely personal level that you believe you do. You see pieces of them in their work, but ultimately the two are nothing alike.
Have you ever noticed the discomfort on a celebrity's face when the phrase, 'I love you' is screamed in their direction? Or they hear it shouted up at them from a far corner of the audience during their performance? Their reaction is always the same, and they almost never say it back. They get an uncomfortable feeling of knowing that somebody is so enamoured by them despite never meeting before. The audience member professes their undying adoration and devotion despite not understanding them on a personal level. They hope to hear it back, but they won't. Not from artists that are genuine. That person does not love you, they love the things you do for them: buying their movies, albums, artwork, merch... you put them up there after all, didn't you?
I notice how a lot of people become extremely angry and jaded when the people they admire don't notice or respond to them. It's not becoming and it's a very draining thing to do. I know because I've been in the same situation and I've felt the same emotions. Frustration and disappointment, but the one thing people never realise is how entitled they are. 'My favourite YouTuber didn't respond to MY direct message? How dare they be so callous and ignorant.' - without taking note of the glaringly obvious fact that the person has millions upon millions of people to hold up on their shoulders. Every hour of every day. It's not them with the problem, it's their fans.
A common argument is that because these people are famous, they should expect that kind of treatment, but... no? Why is it okay for others to cause discomfort and invade the privacy of a person? Because they're on a pedestal that you put them on in the first place? Nah... nah, that's not okay. A person, no matter how famous or how much exposure they have, is still a human being. Their private life is none of your business and you aren't owed anything from them. Not a special spot in their life, not an opinion on their actions that they should pay any attention to, not even a look in.
Phil Fish is a French Canadian game designer best known for his work on Fez. But now, and after the release of the cute little platforming game six years prior, Phil is more INfamous than anything. The people in the gaming community often have one of two reactions when concerning Fish; the first, "who the fuck is Phil Fish?" or, most commonly, "Phil Fish is a fucking asshole." He is often reviled in the community due to his ego and bad attitude. Obviously, these opinions don't reflect my own and I am doing my best to remain non-biased. Fez isn't a game that would provide me with an enjoyable play experience, so I never bothered with it.
The reason Phil Fish, (left), is so often mentioned when discussing the topic of parasocial relationships is due to the opinions of his audience and the gaming community as a whole, and the fact that each of those people feels as if he should care about what they think. He doesn't. If anything, Fish argues against and completely revels in the negative attention. He will respond to bad-mouthing tweets and Reddit posts about himself and his games, pulling arguments and abuse from the people inhabiting the forums. Because of this, he garners a lot of distaste despite the fact that he's only responding to the unsolicited hate which sits beneath the guise of 'constructive critique'.
Fish's audience, the consumers of his product, believe that their opinions should matter to him. The fact that he doesn't care, that he doesn't listen to most bad press or genuine constructive criticism he receives, really peeves off those behind the spotlight. But honestly, I believe Phil Fish's lack of interest in the people buying his game is one of the things that makes him so successful even now. It fills people with discomfort and quiet rage that the creator of this masterpiece, with a 9.5 from IGN, doesn't give a fuck about their opinion. So they voice that rage... and inevitably become angrier when Fish responds with something beautifully scathing.
My point is that people love to hate Phil Fish for their own reasons, and not necessarily the things he's done. It fuels them on a totally different level. And this kind of thing, the growth and reinforcement of parasocial relationships, is really prevalent in the gaming community, both in video games and the game devs themselves. When Davey Wreden created The Stanley Parable with his friend William Pugh, neither of the guys expected the response the game received. And, being new to that kind of unending attention; the emails, the interviews, the awards... it destroyed Wreden's mental health. In the time after, he made a game dedicated to the parasocial hell he'd found himself in. The piece is called The Beginner's Guide. It abstractly explores Wreden's experiences with an overbearing and domineering audience looming over his shoulder for months post-release of TSP.
Those that aren't new to this blog will remember my two previous posts dedicated to TBG and my passion towards its lilting yet almost hidden message. For me, it seemed like a cathartic project for Wreden. A way to explain to his audience exactly what they were doing to him, while simultaneously getting out all that pent up frustration. I like to think it really helped him. He's quieter these days, and apart from the odd university visit to give lectures on game design, he mostly keeps to himself.
This kind of projection from an audience towards a creator can be extremely debilitating, and the most ironic thing is that the audience rarely even acknowledge that its happening. Most are blissfully ignorant to it, and to the effects of it as well. People can be shattered by the attention of the very people that put them where they are, and it's often through no fault of their own. Do your best to stay away from parasocial relationships. Not only does it damage you, but the person you're fawning over, too.
I'll leave my other two posts on The Beginner's Guide below. I worked hard on them and I cover similar topics as found in this piece.
The Beginner's Guide: A Subjective Idea
The Morals of The Beginner's Guide
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
22/01/19
A parasocial relationship goes one way and is ultimately destructive. It's a concept that outlines and encompasses the feelings of an audience towards an artist or creator, where the person offers emotional ties, time and energy - often strong, overbearing and possessive. It's twisted but barely acknowledged. The artist does not know you, and you don't know them. Not really. Not on the purely personal level that you believe you do. You see pieces of them in their work, but ultimately the two are nothing alike.
Have you ever noticed the discomfort on a celebrity's face when the phrase, 'I love you' is screamed in their direction? Or they hear it shouted up at them from a far corner of the audience during their performance? Their reaction is always the same, and they almost never say it back. They get an uncomfortable feeling of knowing that somebody is so enamoured by them despite never meeting before. The audience member professes their undying adoration and devotion despite not understanding them on a personal level. They hope to hear it back, but they won't. Not from artists that are genuine. That person does not love you, they love the things you do for them: buying their movies, albums, artwork, merch... you put them up there after all, didn't you?
I notice how a lot of people become extremely angry and jaded when the people they admire don't notice or respond to them. It's not becoming and it's a very draining thing to do. I know because I've been in the same situation and I've felt the same emotions. Frustration and disappointment, but the one thing people never realise is how entitled they are. 'My favourite YouTuber didn't respond to MY direct message? How dare they be so callous and ignorant.' - without taking note of the glaringly obvious fact that the person has millions upon millions of people to hold up on their shoulders. Every hour of every day. It's not them with the problem, it's their fans.
A common argument is that because these people are famous, they should expect that kind of treatment, but... no? Why is it okay for others to cause discomfort and invade the privacy of a person? Because they're on a pedestal that you put them on in the first place? Nah... nah, that's not okay. A person, no matter how famous or how much exposure they have, is still a human being. Their private life is none of your business and you aren't owed anything from them. Not a special spot in their life, not an opinion on their actions that they should pay any attention to, not even a look in.
Phil Fish is a French Canadian game designer best known for his work on Fez. But now, and after the release of the cute little platforming game six years prior, Phil is more INfamous than anything. The people in the gaming community often have one of two reactions when concerning Fish; the first, "who the fuck is Phil Fish?" or, most commonly, "Phil Fish is a fucking asshole." He is often reviled in the community due to his ego and bad attitude. Obviously, these opinions don't reflect my own and I am doing my best to remain non-biased. Fez isn't a game that would provide me with an enjoyable play experience, so I never bothered with it.
Fish's audience, the consumers of his product, believe that their opinions should matter to him. The fact that he doesn't care, that he doesn't listen to most bad press or genuine constructive criticism he receives, really peeves off those behind the spotlight. But honestly, I believe Phil Fish's lack of interest in the people buying his game is one of the things that makes him so successful even now. It fills people with discomfort and quiet rage that the creator of this masterpiece, with a 9.5 from IGN, doesn't give a fuck about their opinion. So they voice that rage... and inevitably become angrier when Fish responds with something beautifully scathing.
My point is that people love to hate Phil Fish for their own reasons, and not necessarily the things he's done. It fuels them on a totally different level. And this kind of thing, the growth and reinforcement of parasocial relationships, is really prevalent in the gaming community, both in video games and the game devs themselves. When Davey Wreden created The Stanley Parable with his friend William Pugh, neither of the guys expected the response the game received. And, being new to that kind of unending attention; the emails, the interviews, the awards... it destroyed Wreden's mental health. In the time after, he made a game dedicated to the parasocial hell he'd found himself in. The piece is called The Beginner's Guide. It abstractly explores Wreden's experiences with an overbearing and domineering audience looming over his shoulder for months post-release of TSP.
 |
| Davey Wreden playing The Stanley Parable |
Those that aren't new to this blog will remember my two previous posts dedicated to TBG and my passion towards its lilting yet almost hidden message. For me, it seemed like a cathartic project for Wreden. A way to explain to his audience exactly what they were doing to him, while simultaneously getting out all that pent up frustration. I like to think it really helped him. He's quieter these days, and apart from the odd university visit to give lectures on game design, he mostly keeps to himself.
This kind of projection from an audience towards a creator can be extremely debilitating, and the most ironic thing is that the audience rarely even acknowledge that its happening. Most are blissfully ignorant to it, and to the effects of it as well. People can be shattered by the attention of the very people that put them where they are, and it's often through no fault of their own. Do your best to stay away from parasocial relationships. Not only does it damage you, but the person you're fawning over, too.
I'll leave my other two posts on The Beginner's Guide below. I worked hard on them and I cover similar topics as found in this piece.
The Beginner's Guide: A Subjective Idea
The Morals of The Beginner's Guide
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
22/01/19
Friday, 18 January 2019
Asking for help
I’m dying to have the motivation to be creative on this blog. I really am. I’ve had a piece in progress for like three weeks now and I just can’t pull myself to finish it. I feel like I’m trying so, so hard and yet I never get anywhere. I’m putting all my energy into trying, but never actually succeeding. Never actually finishing anything. And on top of that I just keep relapsing no matter how hard I try. I don’t know what to do or how to fix myself. I get no support from anyone and I don’t know if I have the strength to help myself anymore. I don’t know what to do.
I can’t ask anybody for help. If I did I wouldn’t receive any, and if I asked the wrong people then it would be an entirely different bad situation. Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming for help and there’s simply no response. Whoever is out there in the dark can hear me, but they’re not listening. Or maybe they just don’t want to. Or perhaps they don’t know how to help me and this decide that ignoring my cries is easier. I reach out into the void only for my hand to be palmed away.
I can’t ask anybody for help. If I did I wouldn’t receive any, and if I asked the wrong people then it would be an entirely different bad situation. Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming for help and there’s simply no response. Whoever is out there in the dark can hear me, but they’re not listening. Or maybe they just don’t want to. Or perhaps they don’t know how to help me and this decide that ignoring my cries is easier. I reach out into the void only for my hand to be palmed away.
Monday, 31 December 2018
Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse
Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to be Spider-Man, and I deemed those that didn't understand insane. How could they not get it? What part of their cognitive thinking was missing to allow them to think that Spider-Man wasn't as cool as I believed he was? Five year old me was smitten. Obviously now at 22, still enamoured by the entire concept, I realise that people are entitled to their own opinions, even if they're fucking WRONG. (Thanks Pewds). I saw Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse yesterday at the 3pm showing. At the time of writing this, it's been 21 hours, I slept for eight of them, and I still cannot physically, mentally or emotionally conceive of how perfect it was. I can't think of the correct words I want to use because I know none of them will do it justice. The animation, design, soundtrack, scripting, voice acting, etc, every piece of work that went into this movie needs to be fully appreciated by all that see it. Frame by frame, Spider-Verse is a visual masterpiece and in the least try-hard way possible. It doesn't need to do any of the usual pretentious movie shit, all it needs to do is... be.
My eyes were wet and teary through 90% of the film, and glinting with nostalgic delight throughout. Miles Morales is a wonderful character and I think having the film's groundwork solely around him and everything he's trying to overcome, not only physically in New York but the issues in his head is a fantastic message for a lot of young people. It made me realise that I spent so many years searching for acceptance from my peers and those around me, including faceless people on the internet that I didn't even know, and it was only when I made the conscious decision to end that search that I found the approval I was so desperately seeking. When Miles comes to this conclusion during the final arc, we see his full potential and he shines.
For years everyone has been undecided on who should be 'the one' to represent Marvel's classic hero, but Spider-Verse teaches us that there isn't one. Spider-Man is inherently selfless, loyal, trustworthy, quick-witted, well-humoured, self-sacrificing and compassionate, but best of all he shows us how draining and debilitating it is to be all those things. It is not easy to be good, yet somehow Spider-Man always manages it regardless of the toll it takes on himself. That has always been the message and I'm so glad it continues to be the theme of the Spider-Verse. Anyone can wear the mask.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
31/12/2018
Tuesday, 18 December 2018
Stop.
I'm feeling an overwhelming level of angst lately. I don't know whether it's due to the fact that I'm a piece of shit and am unable to complete any goals I set, or if it's down to something much deeper. Let's be honest, It's probably a mixture of both. The want to be validated so desperately, and receiving nothing in return for the things I do for people. That's how it's always been and that's how it's always going to be. It's a precarious subject because if anyone reads this, they will undoubtedly have questions. I can't deal with questions right now, but I'm out here anyway. What am I searching for? What is this thing so buried within me that I can't hear anything over the noise it makes? I just want it to stop. I just want it to stop. I'm unravelling. My head hurts and the ache in my stomach will n0t subside. It will never end.
Summer
"It's your choice."
I don't think I've ever been more afraid of that phrase in my life. Three little words and I was terrified.
After having not been a pet owner for a number of years now, I figured that maybe I'd forgotten how it felt to lose them. But the moment it happens again, it all comes rushing back. Like a deluge of rain that you can't hear the world over. That's how it felt when Summer passed. The feeling of helplessness was indescribable, and it's enough to drive anybody insane.
Around two weeks ago, my partner noticed a small scratch on the inside of our albino rat's ear. We thought nothing of it until I came home a few days later and noticed a small stream of blood coming from the area we'd previously seen the scratch. This was, of course, concerning so sought out an exotic veterinarian close by.
We waited to see if she would wash the blood off herself since she was always preening, and for the most part, she did. Unfortunately, she was clearly irritated and continued to scratch at the small wound until she really opened it up. There was blood everywhere. Her tank was like the set of a horror movie and I genuinely wasn't certain whether she would last the night until we could get her to the vet the next morning. She did, and when the consultation was over, we left with anti-inflammatory medication and high hopes.
The next few days went by quickly, and things were looking positive. The medication made her drowsy and eased her pain enough that she could clean the wound without more injury, just like the vet wanted. She had basically completely healed after only a few days. We were so relieved.
Unfortunately, our relief was short lived. She continued to scratch despite still being medicated, and the wound opened back up again. Another vet visit dictated that she had an infection and there was no way of knowing how bad the internal damage was without putting her under anaesthetic.
On Wednesday the 28th of November, at 12:37pm, the vet rang me and asked for permission to put Summer to sleep. It was the hardest phone call of my life, and the worst decision I ever had to make. But there was no other choice. I couldn't be selfish and let her suffer under the extreme pain and stresses that multiple surgical procedures would have put her under.
There is probably more I could add to this post, but this is all I can manage right now. I don't have the energy nor the mental stability for anything else. It's been a few weeks and we're all still hurt from the empty space.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
18/12/2018
I don't think I've ever been more afraid of that phrase in my life. Three little words and I was terrified.
After having not been a pet owner for a number of years now, I figured that maybe I'd forgotten how it felt to lose them. But the moment it happens again, it all comes rushing back. Like a deluge of rain that you can't hear the world over. That's how it felt when Summer passed. The feeling of helplessness was indescribable, and it's enough to drive anybody insane.
Around two weeks ago, my partner noticed a small scratch on the inside of our albino rat's ear. We thought nothing of it until I came home a few days later and noticed a small stream of blood coming from the area we'd previously seen the scratch. This was, of course, concerning so sought out an exotic veterinarian close by.
We waited to see if she would wash the blood off herself since she was always preening, and for the most part, she did. Unfortunately, she was clearly irritated and continued to scratch at the small wound until she really opened it up. There was blood everywhere. Her tank was like the set of a horror movie and I genuinely wasn't certain whether she would last the night until we could get her to the vet the next morning. She did, and when the consultation was over, we left with anti-inflammatory medication and high hopes.
The next few days went by quickly, and things were looking positive. The medication made her drowsy and eased her pain enough that she could clean the wound without more injury, just like the vet wanted. She had basically completely healed after only a few days. We were so relieved.
Unfortunately, our relief was short lived. She continued to scratch despite still being medicated, and the wound opened back up again. Another vet visit dictated that she had an infection and there was no way of knowing how bad the internal damage was without putting her under anaesthetic.
On Wednesday the 28th of November, at 12:37pm, the vet rang me and asked for permission to put Summer to sleep. It was the hardest phone call of my life, and the worst decision I ever had to make. But there was no other choice. I couldn't be selfish and let her suffer under the extreme pain and stresses that multiple surgical procedures would have put her under.
There is probably more I could add to this post, but this is all I can manage right now. I don't have the energy nor the mental stability for anything else. It's been a few weeks and we're all still hurt from the empty space.
Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
18/12/2018
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