Phil Fish, Projection and Parasocial Relationships

  This is a topic I've wanted to cover for a really long time, but I've either not had the time or I've put it off in order to slot something into my oh so busy schedule; in other words, I've been very lazy. I want this blog to be better and if that's going to be possible, I need to pour every drop of passion I have into it. Every single spec. If it's going to look after me, I need to look after it too. Anyway... here we go.

  A parasocial relationship goes one way and is ultimately destructive. It's a concept that outlines and encompasses the feelings of an audience towards an artist or creator, where the person offers emotional ties, time and energy - often strong, overbearing and possessive. It's twisted but barely acknowledged. The artist does not know you, and you don't know them. Not really. Not on the purely personal level that you believe you do. You see pieces of them in their work, but ultimately the two are nothing alike.

  Have you ever noticed the discomfort on a celebrity's face when the phrase, 'I love you' is screamed in their direction? Or they hear it shouted up at them from a far corner of the audience during their performance? Their reaction is always the same, and they almost never say it back. They get an uncomfortable feeling of knowing that somebody is so enamoured by them despite never meeting before. The audience member professes their undying adoration and devotion despite not understanding them on a personal level. They hope to hear it back, but they won't. Not from artists that are genuine. That person does not love you, they love the things you do for them: buying their movies, albums, artwork, merch... you put them up there after all, didn't you? 

  I notice how a lot of people become extremely angry and jaded when the people they admire don't notice or respond to them. It's not becoming and it's a very draining thing to do. I know because I've been in the same situation and I've felt the same emotions. Frustration and disappointment, but the one thing people never realise is how entitled they are. 'My favourite YouTuber didn't respond to MY direct message? How dare they be so callous and ignorant.' - without taking note of the glaringly obvious fact that the person has millions upon millions of people to hold up on their shoulders. Every hour of every day. It's not them with the problem, it's their fans.

  A common argument is that because these people are famous, they should expect that kind of treatment, but... no? Why is it okay for others to cause discomfort and invade the privacy of a person? Because they're on a pedestal that you put them on in the first place? Nah... nah, that's not okay. A person, no matter how famous or how much exposure they have, is still a human being. Their private life is none of your business and you aren't owed anything from them. Not a special spot in their life, not an opinion on their actions that they should pay any attention to, not even a look in.

  Phil Fish is a French Canadian game designer best known for his work on Fez. But now, and after the release of the cute little platforming game six years prior, Phil is more INfamous than anything. The people in the gaming community often have one of two reactions when concerning Fish; the first, "who the fuck is Phil Fish?" or, most commonly, "Phil Fish is a fucking asshole." He is often reviled in the community due to his ego and bad attitude. Obviously, these opinions don't reflect my own and I am doing my best to remain non-biased. Fez isn't a game that would provide me with an enjoyable play experience, so I never bothered with it.

  The reason Phil Fish, (left), is so often mentioned when discussing the topic of parasocial relationships is due to the opinions of his audience and the gaming community as a whole, and the fact that each of those people feels as if he should care about what they think. He doesn't. If anything, Fish argues against and completely revels in the negative attention. He will respond to bad-mouthing tweets and Reddit posts about himself and his games, pulling arguments and abuse from the people inhabiting the forums. Because of this, he garners a lot of distaste despite the fact that he's only responding to the unsolicited hate which sits beneath the guise of 'constructive critique'.

  Fish's audience, the consumers of his product, believe that their opinions should matter to him. The fact that he doesn't care, that he doesn't listen to most bad press or genuine constructive criticism he receives, really peeves off those behind the spotlight. But honestly, I believe Phil Fish's lack of interest in the people buying his game is one of the things that makes him so successful even now. It fills people with discomfort and quiet rage that the creator of this masterpiece, with a 9.5 from IGN, doesn't give a fuck about their opinion. So they voice that rage... and inevitably become angrier when Fish responds with something beautifully scathing.

  My point is that people love to hate Phil Fish for their own reasons, and not necessarily the things he's done. It fuels them on a totally different level. And this kind of thing, the growth and reinforcement of parasocial relationships, is really prevalent in the gaming community, both in video games and the game devs themselves. When Davey Wreden created The Stanley Parable with his friend William Pugh, neither of the guys expected the response the game received. And, being new to that kind of unending attention; the emails, the interviews, the awards... it destroyed Wreden's mental health. In the time after, he made a game dedicated to the parasocial hell he'd found himself in. The piece is called The Beginner's Guide. It abstractly explores Wreden's experiences with an overbearing and domineering audience looming over his shoulder for months post-release of TSP. 

Davey Wreden playing The Stanley Parable

  Those that aren't new to this blog will remember my two previous posts dedicated to TBG and my passion towards its lilting yet almost hidden message. For me, it seemed like a cathartic project for Wreden. A way to explain to his audience exactly what they were doing to him, while simultaneously getting out all that pent up frustration. I like to think it really helped him. He's quieter these days, and apart from the odd university visit to give lectures on game design, he mostly keeps to himself.

  This kind of projection from an audience towards a creator can be extremely debilitating, and the most ironic thing is that the audience rarely even acknowledge that its happening. Most are blissfully ignorant to it, and to the effects of it as well. People can be shattered by the attention of the very people that put them where they are, and it's often through no fault of their own. Do your best to stay away from parasocial relationships. Not only does it damage you, but the person you're fawning over, too.

  I'll leave my other two posts on The Beginner's Guide below. I worked hard on them and I cover similar topics as found in this piece.

The Beginner's Guide: A Subjective Idea

The Morals of The Beginner's Guide

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
22/01/19

Asking for help

  I’m dying to have the motivation to be creative on this blog. I really am. I’ve had a piece in progress for like three weeks now and I just can’t pull myself to finish it. I feel like I’m trying so, so hard and yet I never get anywhere. I’m putting all my energy into trying, but never actually succeeding. Never actually finishing anything. And on top of that I just keep relapsing no matter how hard I try. I don’t know what to do or how to fix myself. I get no support from anyone and I don’t know if I have the strength to help myself anymore. I don’t know what to do.

  I can’t ask anybody for help. If I did I wouldn’t receive any, and if I asked the wrong people then it would be an entirely different bad situation. Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming for help and there’s simply no response. Whoever is out there in the dark can hear me, but they’re not listening. Or maybe they just don’t want to. Or perhaps they don’t know how to help me and this decide that ignoring my cries is easier. I reach out into the void only for my hand to be palmed away.

Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse

  Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to be Spider-Man, and I deemed those that didn't understand insane. How could they not get it? What part of their cognitive thinking was missing to allow them to think that Spider-Man wasn't as cool as I believed he was? Five year old me was smitten. Obviously now at 22, still enamoured by the entire concept, I realise that people are entitled to their own opinions, even if they're fucking WRONG. (Thanks Pewds). 
   
  I saw Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse yesterday at the 3pm showing. At the time of writing this, it's been 21 hours, I slept for eight of them, and I still cannot physically, mentally or emotionally conceive of how perfect it was. I can't think of the correct words I want to use because I know none of them will do it justice. The animation, design, soundtrack, scripting, voice acting, etc, every piece of work that went into this movie needs to be fully appreciated by all that see it. Frame by frame, Spider-Verse is a visual masterpiece and in the least try-hard way possible. It doesn't need to do any of the usual pretentious movie shit, all it needs to do is... be.

  My eyes were wet and teary through 90% of the film, and glinting with nostalgic delight throughout. Miles Morales is a wonderful character and I think having the film's groundwork solely around him and everything he's trying to overcome, not only physically in New York but the issues in his head is a fantastic message for a lot of young people. It made me realise that I spent so many years searching for acceptance from my peers and those around me, including faceless people on the internet that I didn't even know, and it was only when I made the conscious decision to end that search that I found the approval I was so desperately seeking. When Miles comes to this conclusion during the final arc, we see his full potential and he shines.

  The involvement of classic Peter Parker was probably what made me the giddiest. His usual sarcastic and pointed humour mixed with a slight intonation of contempt felt familiar to me. Almost like I'd never been away. The moments that showed his age and his vulnerabilities, including the insecurities involving his relationship with Mary Jane Watson, reinforced the feeling that I grew up with this man. Not just Spider-Man, or the slew of others we've seen as the movie industry morphed and changed, but this man. Peter. B. Parker is the perfect representation of my hero. My web-slinger. As a kid, he would've given me the most hope and shown me the best things about myself even when I couldn't see them.

  For years everyone has been undecided on who should be 'the one' to represent Marvel's classic hero, but Spider-Verse teaches us that there isn't one. Spider-Man is inherently selfless, loyal, trustworthy, quick-witted, well-humoured, self-sacrificing and compassionate, but best of all he shows us how draining and debilitating it is to be all those things. It is not easy to be good, yet somehow Spider-Man always manages it regardless of the toll it takes on himself. That has always been the message and I'm so glad it continues to be the theme of the Spider-Verse. Anyone can wear the mask.

Signed,

Elijah.

Meta Sentience.

31/12/2018

Stop.

  I'm feeling an overwhelming level of angst lately. I don't know whether it's due to the fact that I'm a piece of shit and am unable to complete any goals I set, or if it's down to something much deeper. Let's be honest, It's probably a mixture of both. The want to be validated so desperately, and receiving nothing in return for the things I do for people. That's how it's always been and that's how it's always going to be. It's a precarious subject because if anyone reads this, they will undoubtedly have questions. I can't deal with questions right now, but I'm out here anyway. What am I searching for? What is this thing so buried within me that I can't hear anything over the noise it makes? I just want it to stop. I just want it to stop. I'm unravelling. My head hurts and the ache in my stomach will n0t subside. It will never end.

Summer

  "It's your choice."

  I don't think I've ever been more afraid of that phrase in my life. Three little words and I was terrified.

  After having not been a pet owner for a number of years now, I figured that maybe I'd forgotten how it felt to lose them. But the moment it happens again, it all comes rushing back. Like a deluge of rain that you can't hear the world over. That's how it felt when Summer passed. The feeling of helplessness was indescribable, and it's enough to drive anybody insane.

  Around two weeks ago, my partner noticed a small scratch on the inside of our albino rat's ear. We thought nothing of it until I came home a few days later and noticed a small stream of blood coming from the area we'd previously seen the scratch. This was, of course, concerning so sought out an exotic veterinarian close by.

  We waited to see if she would wash the blood off herself since she was always preening, and for the most part, she did. Unfortunately, she was clearly irritated and continued to scratch at the small wound until she really opened it up. There was blood everywhere. Her tank was like the set of a horror movie and I genuinely wasn't certain whether she would last the night until we could get her to the vet the next morning. She did, and when the consultation was over, we left with anti-inflammatory medication and high hopes.

  The next few days went by quickly, and things were looking positive. The medication made her drowsy and eased her pain enough that she could clean the wound without more injury, just like the vet wanted. She had basically completely healed after only a few days. We were so relieved.

  Unfortunately, our relief was short lived. She continued to scratch despite still being medicated, and the wound opened back up again. Another vet visit dictated that she had an infection and there was no way of knowing how bad the internal damage was without putting her under anaesthetic.

  On Wednesday the 28th of November, at 12:37pm, the vet rang me and asked for permission to put Summer to sleep. It was the hardest phone call of my life, and the worst decision I ever had to make. But there was no other choice. I couldn't be selfish and let her suffer under the extreme pain and stresses that multiple surgical procedures would have put her under.

  There is probably more I could add to this post, but this is all I can manage right now. I don't have the energy nor the mental stability for anything else. It's been a few weeks and we're all still hurt from the empty space.

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
18/12/2018

The Mind of Jake Paul: Thoughts and Post-Series Impressions

I want to preface this post by saying that what I write is coming from a completely unbiased place. I did not and do not watch Jake Paul's content, but I have kept up with the drama since the beginning through the commentary community. I never chose a side, and with that in mind, I’ve followed up by watching Shane Dawson's docuseries as he is a content creator that I personally enjoy.

  With that out of the way, here we go.

  Jake Paul. A household name on YouTube. Infamous for the creation of Team 10, the pool fire incident and the media van desecration, his competitive relationship with his brother, and the Alissa Violet situation - all of which cost him a lot in terms of reputation.

  At the beginning of the year, after I'd written two or three posts on Logan Paul and the whole Suicide Forest mess, I promised that their names would never be mentioned on this blog again. I'm breaking that promise today because my opinion has changed, and that's okay. Opinions on people and past events can differ and fluctuate, and it's fine to recognise that as a healthy thing. I'm not denying that Jake Paul, like his sibling, has done his fair share of shitty things, and I'm certainly not about to sit here and make excuses for him. Get ready to clench because here comes the but...

  I honestly think Jake deserves a second chance.

  Yes, Jake. Jake Paul. A part of me can't believe I just typed those words, but that’s coming from a side of me that didn’t know all the facts or all sides to the story. I made judgements before I knew anything, and that was based solely on my dislike for Logan.

  Shane Dawson decided to meet with Jake and observe him, then interview him about every topic that people did or do still have questions on. If there's one man on YouTube willing to find the biggest magnifying glass and the brightest light to put somebody under I think we all know that Shane is the guy to do it. The conclusion I took from it, which isn't all that profound, ended up making a whole lot of sense to me. It's just not that deep.

  One of the first and most prominent opinions I formed is that of everybody on each opposing side, including Alissa Violet, Jake seemed to be the one that gave the most honest and genuine reaction when Shane was conducting the interview. His breathing was stunted like he was speaking before he could find the breath to help the words come out. Like he was holding everything in his chest as if it were a strain on his lungs. I know I personally feel the same sensation when I'm both anxious and trying to keep myself together. It's almost like suffocating. I think this came in response to being so open and honest, being able to share his unfiltered feelings, and he was entirely afraid of what Shane or the audience's reaction might be to that. Not only did he answer every question without hesitation, but every response is so clearly unrehearsed. He didn't attempt to embellish how he was feeling, and he admitted to the things he did without reproach or regret, and I respect that.

  Over the last two years, Jake has been through months of bad press, 24-hour media coverage, lawsuits and fallouts. I think during all that, people forgot that Jake is... well, he's just a kid. Such a big thing that people constantly overlook is that Jake was young and lacked maturity. He was nineteen when he formed his company, and spent a long time living with his friends making what was perceived as funny and questionable content for their young audience. I believe that this lack of maturity mixed with 'the YouTube grind' contributed to many of the problematic situations Jake was caught up in. Including what happened with the Martinez twins and Alissa Violet. Both of which ended with Jake stabbed in the back.

  I don't believe that mentally Jake is mature even now at the age of 21. I think the lack of a 'normal' childhood has caused him to use the time he should be spending learning and growing on having the fun he missed out on as a kid. This meant that he became complacent and was able to be easily manipulated by those around him, as well as manipulating who he needed to in order to get his way without realising. After Nick Crompton made the decision to leave the Team 10 house, I think Jake unknowingly lost the one person at the time that could keep his head out of the fog. And Jake being immature and probably unused to losing people, probably saw Crompton's departure as a betrayal.

  The last point I'd like to touch on is the quite profound change we can see in Jake since Erika Costell's involvement in his life. Since Costell became a more permanent fixture, it's pretty clear that she's had a calming effect on him. He is far more controlled at present as opposed to the reckless, unsafe, joyriding young man we saw in the old clips. He appears focused, and determined to work on himself with her encouragement and reassurance. For me, Erika's positive response to Shane revealing he'd had a therapist accompany them really says a lot. She wants the best for him, and it's so blatant to see.

  In conclusion, Jake Paul does not deserve to be persecuted and scrutinised by everybody in the world just because they know his name. People can rarely see what's actually happening on the inside, and nothing gives us the right to automatically know his business or judge him. Grown adults sending so many negative vibes to a kid that barely knows who or what he wants to be is not something I can condone. Especially not somebody dealing with everything Jake has on his shoulders. Of the series' that Shane has spent his time on so far this was the one that I was most interested in. Everybody knew about the beef, everybody had made their decision already. But now we know the truth.

Written by Elijah Radford.
Proofread by Rhys Davies.
Meta Sentience.
23/10/2018

On My Way Back

  So it's been a couple of weeks. Maybe a month? I'm not certain, but yeah. I'm not dead. I've been working on a big piece, and kind of struggling to actually work on it if I'm honest. I've had some encouragement, and it's going pretty well, I'm just really lazy and unmotivated. I procrastinate like crazy and it really isn't good for me - or this blog.

  I apologise. I love you all, and I love this formless entity. I really do. It's just that sometimes it's difficult to compartmentalise my thoughts, and even more of a struggle to word them.

  But don't panic, I'm not here to pander to you. I'm just checking in. Like a dad checking on the kids after they've been in their rooms for nine hours, except I'm the one in my room and the kids are wondering if I'm ever coming out. I'm coming out of here soon, and I hope you like what I'll have for you when I do.

Signed,
Elijah.
Meta Sentience.
16/09/2018